Facts, Hats, and Fish Paste with a General
by MindOverMatter
Summary: For those with a weak heart, beware: MARY SUEAGE! Other than that, it's just a little parody of a classic bad fic, for you to enjoy! Canon is destroyed, fanon builds a legion of bad fics, characters are destroyed, and grammar is mutilated, all in one!
1. What's in it for us?

Facts, Hats, and Fish Paste with a General A Parody  
  
Disclaimer: Bum bum bum Joss bum bum bum Wheedon bumbumbumbumOWNS ALLbumbumbumexcept for LARA which he can havebumbumbumbut will never wantbumbumbum.  
  
A/N: Now, remember it's a PARODY, and I will step on a lot of TOES in this story, and probably make some readers GAG, but don't worry, it's a PARODY.  
  
________________  
  
The day was dark and gloomy. Buffy and the others heard a knock on the door. They opened the door. They saw a sopping wet figure on the doorstep.  
  
"Hullo," the figure said in a melodic voice.  
  
The others were entranced by her. She had the most beautiful eyes. Her eyes were a deep sapphire, cornsilk, aquamarine, topaz (A/N: Those are types of blues, I hope you know.) She had silken (A/N: That means like silk.) blonde hair with brunette highlights and they curled a little at the bottom.  
  
All the others wanted to touch her hair, but she didn't care. EVERYONE wanted to touch her hair, so she was used to it.  
  
She had a cute button nose and the reddest, fullest lips anyone had seen. They were so shiny. She had cute little freckles and cute nail polish on. She had raven black hair. It was so shiny. Dawn was envious.  
  
Spike broke through them (A/N: I mean, like, he broke through the crowds because they were entranced by me--er, my character.) and reached out to hug the sopping wet figure on the doorstep.  
  
"LARA-JESSICA-MICHELLE-VAN-HOUSTEN-MARIA-MICHELLE! PRINCESS! I thought I lost you forever!" Spike said as he squeezed her tight and lifted her body off the ground so her feet weren't touching it and he spun her around. Spin spin spin. But being Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria- Michelle, she didn't throw up (A/N: lol).  
  
Buffy was so envious that Lara-Jessica-Michelle-Van-Housten-Maria-Michelle was getting all this attention from Spike. She was very very very envious. Very.  
  
Buffy looked on as Spike was showering her (A/N: Not Buffy, but Lara-Jessi-- er, let's just call her Lara. lol.) with bunches of butterfly-light kisses on her face.  
  
Willow and Tara coughed. But secretly, they were wishing they were Lara, so they could be kissed by Spike. Because they really like boys, because they're not really gay.  
  
Then all of a sudden Xander came up and said, "What's going on?"  
  
Buffy said, "This is Spike's *FRIEND*" she said 'friend' vehemently. Very.  
  
"So how do you know each other?"  
  
"I knew her ever since I was a small vampire."  
  
"You were *always* a vampire?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"So what's the story behind Lara?"  
  
"Yeah, tell us Spike."  
  
"I don't, know."  
  
"I'll tell you." Lara took a deep deep breath with such a lovely draw of breath. "I am half vampire, half slayer, half demon, half ghost, half Boshnroik demon (A/N: LOL, I made Boshnroik up!). My father was a ghost and half Boshnroik and my mom was half vampire and half slayer. I'm so sad, can you tell? My Mom and Dad and uncle, my aunt, my brother, my cousin, my twice-removed second brother-in-law, and I all died in a great huge fire! Then I was resurrected by...something...and then I was all alone. Feel my pain? Good. Then Spike took me under his wing and we became best of friends!" She giggled at this part and looked at Spike who had a grin. "*VERY* good friends. Then we became boyfriend and girlfriend. But we broke it off because Spike's dad, Giles, was my dad too! Then I left and never returned to my poor Spyke."  
  
"And now you're back, love of my life...undead life, un-life, whatever!" Spyke continued to kiss her. Kiss kiss kiss. (A/N: I spelled it like Spyke because I want to, lol *giggle*)  
  
Right now Buffy was confused. A lot. Giles stepped in the room (A/N: Did I mention that they're at Buffy's house? And Giles and everyone is here, everyone is alive.)  
  
Spike looked lovingly into Lara's pools of volcanic brown eyes. He stroke her hair. She was very sophisticated looking and had on knee high boots, fish-net stockings, a short short mini-skirt, a tanktop with sleeves, and a hood. The tanktop was light lemony green.  
  
"So William, I need your help with something." Lara asked him in a melodic voice.  
  
"What is it, pet, luv, kitten?" Wylliam asked her.  
  
"I want to be a signer! A signer! So I can sing!"  
  
Anya asked, "Let's hear you sing!" She was met with a chorus of approval. "Yes yes!"  
  
(A/N: I made up this song so don't make fun of it or I won't update.)  
  
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa  
  
Fweeeeennnnnnds fo'evaaaaaaa  
  
When I hear you come by  
  
I break down and cry cry  
  
Why why why?  
  
I sigh sigh sigh  
  
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA  
  
FWEEEEEEENNNNNNDS FO'EVAAAAAA  
  
I do a little dance--FOR YOU  
  
I mope around all day--FOR YOU  
  
I play basketball--FOR YOU  
  
Because you are...my....friiiiiiiiieeeeeeennnnnndddddddddd/i  
  
After she finished belting out the tune beautifully, everyone clapped their hands. "Yay! Encore!"  
  
"Okay, I will," she said with a sweet smile. Then she sung again. Spyke said, "I will hook you up with some people I know. Y'know, so you can record an album and become rich and glamorous!"  
  
"Okay, but I will always be humble, and sad because my family died, y'know?"  
  
Spiyke walked over to the phone. The weather became very sunny again. It must've been because Lara arrived he thought with a happy smile. He looked out the window to see the sunshine. "Ahh," he said as he basked in the light. (A/N: Did I mention this was AU? Well, it is.)  
  
He made the neccessary connections.  
  
"C'mon luv! Or we'll get our knickers in a twist and by jove we'll miss our appointments....and put a shrimp on th' barbie, Buffy, Summers, Slayer."  
  
"Lyke, k Spike. Wuteva." Buffy said as she popped her gum and twirled her hair around her finger.  
  
*^**$()*#(*(@%*@(!))!)!!~~!(#*$(%&(*^  
  
They arrived (A/N: I mean Spyke and Lara) at the studio. Suddenly, Zander popped out of nowhere! "HEY GUYS!" He said with enthusiam...for some...strange reason. Because, he's Xander.  
  
"Hey Xan-man!" Lara said, already sounding like part of the Scooby Gang. "Hey! She used my nickname like she was already part of the Scoobies!" Xander was getting a little annoyed at her for using his nickname. But then he was happy again! "Okay, Larster! I'll catch you later!" And Xander ran off.  
  
Then they arrived at the studio. Oh wait, they already did! Never mind! So they went IN the studio. "'ello gents! How 're you doin'? 'eed t' set up a re'ording session' for the missis' here." Spike greeted the artists.  
  
They set Lara up as they casually brushed their hands over her hair. Brush brush brush. As she sang a song she made up, they finished in 1 minute because she was so awesome and she rawked and made no mistakes. Well, she made one, but they quickly forgave her. Then she used her magic bolt (A/N: Did I mention she had super powers too?) and killed them all (except Spikey of course) for no reason.  
  
Will they have a hit single on their hands? What will Buffy do? If I don't have at least 500 reviews, I am NOT going to update! P.S. There will be a rated R chapter next ^_~ Review review review! 


	2. What's this? Another one?

Facts, Hats, and Fish Paste with a General A Parody  
  
Disclaimer: LALALALALA. Can't hear you Joss, so I guess the characters are mine; mine; mine! All mine! Hey! Who turned off my music? No Joss, you can't have them. Aww, go ahead, I have no room.  
  
A/N: Now, remember it's a PARODY, and I will step on a lot of TOES in this story, and probably make some readers GAG, but don't worry, it's a PARODY.  
  
________________  
  
Ok, so like, you all didn't give me my 500 reviews, but I'm still going to update (see how nice I am to all of you? ^_^). I worked REALLY REALLY RIDICULOUSLY hard on this chappy so NO FLAMEZ. If you flame, I don't care, because *I* like it, who cares if you don't. I uploaded it because I WANT to, and I'm doing this just. For. Fun. For fun. Only.  
  
(A/N: I got tired of Lara, so here is a new character! Enjoy!)  
  
38742983740982741098743012928734839201928347328910  
  
*Ding Dong* went the doorbell outside the Summer's residence. *Ding dong ding dong ding dong*  
  
"Get it, Xand," Willow ordered her friend with authority.  
  
"Okay, whatever you want Wills, anything. The door will be opened as of now. I am opening the door. The door is opening, said Xander".  
  
Xander did as he was told and whoop! there it is! A pretty round faced and astoundingly GORGEOUS female with the bluest of black hair that cascaded in smooth waves down her flawless black. Her lips were red and...decadent. She looked a lot like Droodzilla.  
  
"Hello, is my precioussss here?" She asked in an astoundingly sultry voice that was the sultriest of the sultriest.  
  
"Your what?" Buffy asked with an "I am feeling blank" look on her face, (A/N: Which meant her face was blank, by the way. So blank. Blankity blank blank.)  
  
"My Whilliam," she said, blowing the "wh" through her decadent lips, like this. :o (A/N: That's what my character looks like when she goes "wh").  
  
"Oh right. I'll call him for you. For some reason he's living in my house. SPIKE. *SPIKE* SPIIIIICCCCKKKKKEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Buffy screamed to the stairs.  
  
The stairs didn't answer.  
  
Spike came tumbling down the aforementioned stairs (A/N: The one Buffy spoke too *gigglez* I thought that joke up myself).  
  
"Gasp! Is that really really you? Seanala? Seanala St. Petersburg?" Spike gasped, followed by "is that really really you? Seanala? Seanala St. Petersburg?" Spike gaspe--never mind.  
  
Spike did a little jig with Seanala. Dance they did. Spike was heaving and out of breath. Heave heave heave he did.  
  
Then he lit a cigarrete up because that's what Spike does.  
  
"My Jame--er...Spike! You've come back!" She looked at him up and down before sniffing wildly into the air.  
  
"What is that horrible smell? It smells like...like..."  
  
"It's vanilla," Buffy finished. She thought sadly. Why can't anybody guess it's vanilla?  
  
Suddenly for no reason, Dawn came down! Down came Dawn. The Dawn settled on the couch.  
  
"Hey Spike," she said nonchalantly, all the meanwhile puckering her over- glossed lips. (A/N: This is what Dawn looked like puckering up: :o.)  
  
"Hey Nibbles Nubbin," Spike returned.  
  
Suddenly out of the blue, Buffy came out of the bathroom. No one SAW Buffy going into the restroom, so how did she go in there???...????  
  
She was very grief-strickened. Her face looked jackety. Then she humdrummed some excabibbles and franted around the room.  
  
"What is it, bollocks?" Spike asked, very very worried.  
  
"It's...I'm...PREGGERS WITH YOUR CHILD!" She wailed.  
  
"How'd you know it was mine, Niblet?"  
  
Dawn glared at him with her teenagery pout. "Niblet's...mine..." she managed through gritted teeth.  
  
"Well...who else could it be?"  
  
Spike started counting off his fingers, "We've got the Poofy Peach, Captain Fishface, the whelp--" (A/N: I came up with all those names *gigglez* ^_^).  
  
"Hey!!!" Xander said. Yup, just said. Even with all those exclamation points. !!!  
  
"Not you, whelp." Truth was, *I* think it's just because Spike forgot Xander's name and so now all Spike can do is call Xander "whelp" because he forgot Xander's name. Did I also tell you about the time when Harmony called Drusilla "Droodzilla"? Oh yeah, that's because Harmony forgot Drusilla's name. Hahaha. Wasn't that funny?  
  
"Not you, whelp. I mean that Parker fellow."  
  
For no reason, Seanala popped up again because this is *her* story. "You're not pregnant with Spike's child anymore. I am." And she did a magic thing. You know, she poofed and then bam.  
  
"But then it won't be half slayer!!!" Buffy said.  
  
"Yes it will, because *I'm* a slayer."  
  
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Ooh a cliff hanger. Are you excited to see what happens? Oh yeah, I promised a rated R chappy (I'll sneak it under a G rating *gigglez*). Next one. Promise. That is if I get 7,383,000 reviews by...the next hour. R/R, C/C, S/B, F/I, L/M, all that good stuff. 


	3. What's happened to them?

Facts, Hats, and Fish Paste with a General A Parody  
  
Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss. The tune of the poem is "What's New, Pussycat" by Tom Jones or something. Bad fic is for all those bad ficcers.  
  
A/N: Now, remember it's a PARODY, and I will step on a lot of TOES in this story, and probably make some readers GAG, but don't worry, it's a PARODY.  
  
_______________________  
  
"Whu-whu-what? You can't possibly be a SLAYER for I am the CHOSEN ONE. Chosen. ONE. ONE." Buffy incredulouslied.  
  
"It's possible," replied...um...Seanala. "Because I'm your daughter."  
  
"What the--? I'm not even MARRIED."  
  
"Because I'm from the future," Seanala said calmly.  
  
"Then who's the father?"  
  
"Spike of course! Duh, lol." Seanala said.  
  
"OMG! U cant meen dat!" Buffy cried.  
  
"duh, every 1 kno's dat u 2 r ment 2 be 2 gether 4 eva! Spuffy!" Seanala said.  
  
"Then give me back my baby!" And Buffy gave Seanala a push.  
  
But Buffy was noooo match for Seanala.  
  
102398273928794801928374  
  
Ok, like, I'm really REALLY mad at Buffy rite now for dumping Spike. I mean, like, who can dump him and his HOT HOT bod. Cuz he's like, so HOT. So I'm gonna torture buffy! Muahahaha! No flamez~  
  
One day Buffy was walking in the park.  
  
It was dark.  
  
Then all of a sudden, everyone Buffy knew popped out at her. She didn't know why.  
  
She ran, but she didn't know why.  
  
For some reason she didn't know, they followed her.  
  
"Help!" She yelled.  
  
Everyone was chasing her; Spike, Xander, Willow, Joyce, her sister, Giles, Anya, her brother...  
  
"Go away! What do you want?"  
  
"You dumped me, Buffy!" Spike yelled as he tackled her to the ground that was hard.  
  
"OOOF!"  
  
Even though Buffy had slayer strength, for some reason, she didn't bother using them.  
  
"Yeah, Buffy, so we're going to rap you!"  
  
They all pounced on her at once.  
  
"Oww! Ooh! Get off of me!" Buffy cried out while they continued rapping her.  
  
"HOW" knock "DO" knock "LIKE" rap "THIS" knock "NOW?!" Spike said in the middle of rapping her head with his knuckles.  
  
"Yea, homie B! We showed youse what youse get when," Dawn rapped while Faith beatboxed. "Boom buckshew, boom boom buckshew!"  
  
"When youse break up with our phat Spike-meister here, yo!"  
  
"Dude, Dawn," Faith broke off. "Yo's my work, five by five!"  
  
During all this Buffy was screaming in anguish (A/N: HAHAHAHAHAHA! TAKE THAT, BUFFY!) and clutching her ears while blocking herself. "AHHHHH. I hate rap. Go away. NO!"  
  
Spike looked up at them. "To her, no means yes, so keep rapping."  
  
A chorus of knocks filled the air.  
  
In the morning, Buffy was all rapped up. "I LOVE rap now!" She decided. "I also LOVE Spike now too!"  
  
Spik was convienently there to hear her instead of running away from fear of being staked. Go figure. Then all of a sudden it was night again.  
  
90 years later...  
  
Buffy was wearing a tight body suit and a sparkly purple hairband. "Oh, I think this is ever so stunning. Don't you Dawn?"  
  
"Where are you going? Sister?" Dawn, who was really a glowing key that unlocked Hell because Glory wanted to spill her blood, so monks erased everyone's memories just like Willow did when Tara got mad at her for erasing her memory even though Tara did it herself in Family so that they couldn't see any more demons, said.  
  
"I'm marrying Spike today!" She beamed, ever so effulgent (A/N: I put effulgent because it's Spike's favorite word. I just know. Teehee ^_~).  
  
"Ok, that's cool. Just don't loose him. I'll see you they're. Alright? Buy Buffy!" Dawn said as she left.  
  
800 years later in the bright sunny sun...  
  
"Oh Buffy, this is everything I hoped it to be, schnookums." Spike said as he rocked on the porch. "I made up a poem for you."  
  
"Oh really. Let me hear it evil-undead-snookums."  
  
"Oh pshaw. You don't want to."  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
"No you don't..."  
  
"YES I DO."  
  
"No...it's not good..."  
  
"JUST READ THE FRIGGIN THING, SPIKE."  
  
Shnookycat  
  
Dedicated to my Moopoopie  
  
By the Bloody, William  
  
What's new shnookycat?  
  
Whooah whoah whooah whoah  
  
What's new pookummack?  
  
Whooah whoah whooah whoaah  
  
Love you shnookycat  
  
Whooah whoah whooah whoah  
  
Kiss you pookummack  
  
Whooah whoah whooah whoaah  
  
"There you go," Spike said.  
  
"Aww. Thank you!"  
  
"Yeah. I'm glad we're married Sarah."  
  
"I know. I HAD to get rid of that Freddie guy so I can marry you James."  
  
"Yeah, and I had to get rid of my girlfriend."  
  
Psst...here's the rated R part!  
  
Then they started kissing. A LOT. I mean lip-bruising, crushing, smacking, verocious, primal, urgent one. Kiss kiss kiss.  
  
Then they did...it. You know...*it*. EWWWWWWWWWWWW.  
  
The End.  
  
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Huh? Huh? Wasn't that a good chapter. Well, it's the last I'm sad. I watch Buffy. NO FLAMEZ! I hat all of you who give me flames! I love all of you that leaves me comments and critisism. Okie.  
  
__________________  
  
Yup...scary, huh? So...did I fully capture the essence of bad fic along with some other things? If I didn't, comment in a review! How ingenious! And as for the poem, I've tried four times to correct the formatting, and it won't budge. Got any tips on that? 


End file.
